Sunday, 29 June 2008

You might be a copper if...

This list has been doing the rounds for years, it's very funny (to me anyway) so here it is along with some of my own thoughts, just to mix it up a little. I'm crazy like that.

You have the bladder capacity of five people (after a few days kitted up on aid, drinking loads and not going to the loo, I think it was dehydration more than capacity, but it did seem odd)

You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience (once or twice!!)

You believe that 25% of people are a waste of space (of the people I deal with, I'd say closer to 75%)

Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change (after 12 hours all I want to do is collapse in a snoring heap on the train, however, nights going into a rest day is a different matter, kerching!!)

You call for a name check on anyone who is remotely friendly to you (because most of the time they are drunk and taking the piss, but the smell of alcohol is usually a good give away!!)

Discussing dismemberment over dinner seems perfectly normal to you (along with discussing what we're going to get for food while standing in the same house as a dead body, yes we do this a lot)

You find humour in other peoples stupidity (if you can't laugh then you'll only cry, and some people are really really stupid)

You have your weekends off planned for a year (having just looked, my diary actually goes up to Jan 2010, quite scary when I think about it!)

You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce (a bit serious this one, but if you look at a kid and just know that they are just f&cked for life then the answer presents itself)

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says " it sure is quiet around here" (it does, it's not a joke and you only ever say the 'Q' word if nothing is happening AND you actually want it to kick off in a big way, otherwise, calm, peaceful, still or serene are good substitutes and thus far seem to work)

Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than a computer can track (I do try and take decent food in, but sometimes Nando's or even a McDonalds breakfast is without equal!)

You're the only sober person in the kebab house (I'm not a kebab fan but when I get the orders in for other people, yes I am indeed the only sober person. The guys serving even drink which I'm sure they aren't supposed to but there are bigger problems in the world)

You believe chocolate is a food group (unfortunately true however a can of ice cold cherry coke and a Lion bar is an excellent pick me up at 4am when my brain it trying to comatose itself)

Having alcohol at 7am seems relaxing (if you work nights and have the opportunity to go to an 'early house' after your set of shifts finishes then DO IT, no matter what job you do. There is nothing like having a decent cooked breakfast and a glass of your favourite tipple after working a set of nights. For one, you get shitfaced soooo quickly and two, you sleep like a baby. Not good if you miss your stop and end up miles away from home or even on the way back into London, but having a drink after nights is ace, despite the logistical risks)

You have ever wanted to hold a seminar called "Suicide, getting it right the first time" (yes...... yes I have. I had the following conversation with a repeat drunk suicide threatener a year or so ago "how many times have you called us or the ambulance service to say you're going to kill yourself?" "loads" "and how many times have you successfully killed yourself?" "twice" "you seem to have made a remarkable recovery, stop wasting our time and get in the van")

You believe "Too stupid to Live" should be a valid court outcome (along with "and so I authorise for your bank account and all the belongings held in your name and within your home address to be seized and sold to increase pay to our armed forces personnel who actually deserve it")

You have ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin to laugh uncontrollably (yes along with taking the phone off of a colleague having a near argument with an obvious wanker and saying "Hi, do you know who this is? No? bye then" and hanging up)

You have heard the Sergeant muttering down the hall, "Who is in charge of this mess anyway?" (in addition to greeting the custody Sgt with a smile and for them to look worried and say "oh great, what have you brought in this time? are they going to try and kill themselves?")

When you mention vegetables, you're not referring to a food group (occasionally but usually in serious conversation as it gets everything across that you need to in one simple word)

You think caffeine should be available in IV form (along with entonox - laughing gas - we should be allowed to keep that stuff in the cars, it's brilliant. In fact, I think they should legalise it and sell it in pubs in single shot doses)

Your prisoner states "I have no idea how I got here" - and neither have you (usually in company with the question "so why have I been arrested??" for the 86th time!)

It occurs to you suddenly one night that you are policing the twilight zone (picture 3am, central London and a freezing cold and uncharacteristically empty iconic site. I'm out walking alone so I stop to absorb the ambience when a guy who looks like Morgan Freeman walks out into the centre. He unfolds a stool, sits down, unpacks a viola and starts playing the theme tune to The Godfather followed by a couple of Vivaldi's Four Seasons. The acoustics were fantastic)

Your favourite hallucinogen is exhaustion (see the above point about the early house, also I like to stay awake for as long as I can after nights, helps kick start the body clock and the feeling is akin to being off your face on codeine. It's the only time the film Barn Yard made me cry with laughter because its not even that funny, just don't drive, not good)

You nodded and laughed at all of the above, and realized what a sick bunch we all are (yep!!)



TheBinarySurfer said...

Entertaining - and i fully agree with the "Too stupid to live" idea!

For The People said...

Heard my wife laughing and had to see what was up! I walk in and she is reading your post! She says, "Look honey! They have a post about you." great job! Drop by my place soon if you get a chance!

Anonymous said...

Brilliant.......... have seen a similar one regarding Paramedics and Techs, will have to see if I can hunt it out for my blog!!

I believe the suicide seminar one appears on it for us as well!

Stuart said...

I always wondered what questions they would ask in an interview for the Police! :D

Metcountymounty said...

If they ask you any questions to which these are the answers then be very worried, they are probably trying to trick you into saying something un-pc!!

MarkUK said...

Sent it to my daughter's boyfriend, wheo starts his training for GMPS in August.

Hope it doesn't put him (or her) off!

Metcountymounty said...

thought of another one this morning as I was enjoying the sun on my face - You spend more than half of your waking year in the dark, the only sunlight you see in winter is as you're on your way home to sleep during the daytime!

Anonymous said...

Ah, the nightshift comment made me smile! Years ago when I was on nights in a supermarket, we would always go for a beer or three after work. I always got a seat to myself on the bus, (smelling of booze and looking rough at 9am)! And the 45 minute bus journey was torture as you were always bursting for a pee! Happy days...

Anonymous said...

Chocolate IS a food group. It provides the same "chemical elements" for the brain, as LOVE. It makes us feel good, happy. The Mayan's valued it, and YES I confess, I am an addict!
[But not fat]

But it takes all sorts to make a world, including coppers, who hopefully do have some compassion still, for the human wrecks that keep them in well paid employment.

Perhaps the years in the job do harden some hearts and minds towards another person's pain and suffering. Coppers are not immune from taking their own lives because of depression. Are men in the force so callous, that they REALLY do think being harsh with someone, who is in despair and suicidal, is the best way to deal with them?

YOU might be a brainwashed, institutionalised copper if you laughed at and ticked ALL those boxes. Oh dear, sick indeed!

Miss Marple

Taff said...

Spot on, that list made me laugh so much because its all so true, especially discussing what to have for food when stood next to a dead body. Also the to stupid to live idea, again a topic my colleagues and I have discussed many times.

Metcountymounty said...

Miss Marple, I think I can speak for everyone when I say that we have nothing but compassion and sympathy for people with genuine mental health issues and I personally 'enjoy' dealing with them and helping them to actually get proper help. However someone who phones up the ambulance or the police every time they get drunk and says they are going to kill themselves, discharges themselves from hospital then does it continually until they get nicked and put in a police cell is nothing but an oxygen thief. There are many aspects of humour and venting that the public simply don't get or think is way too inappropriate but it is a coping mechanism that is usually kept behind closed doors and in canteens, which is one of the main reasons that people think canteen culture is wrong because of the macabre humour!!

Anonymous said...

missmarple: for example, 5 diazepam (10mg) and a bottle of wine do not a suicide attempt make.
Unfortunately though one of our regulars hasn't got to grips with this idea yet and not so long ago I spent almost two hours in their company trying to assist paramedics in administering some form of treatment for this 'overdose.'
As the daft bugger fell over for the third time on trying to put a pair of shoes on, one paramedic said 'look love, we've just come from a woman who took three times what you've had and SHE could stand up so pull yourself together and get dressed properly.'
Harsh? Perhaps a little bit.
Fair? You bet your pants it was.

Anonymous said...

Entonox? Legalised and sold in single shot doses?
All the nippers have been doing laughing gas/nos recreationally for ages:

They used to sell it in clubs because it's particularly enjoyable when combined with MDMA...

The ambo stuff is better though, because it's mixed with pure oxygen rather than just air.

It's illegal to sell nos 'for the purposes of inhalation' which in practice means that it can't be sold by headshops, clubs etc. It's readily available from uk websites.

Metcountymounty said...

I don't think mixing entonox with anything is needed the stuff is great on its own, and ecstasy is just a one way ticket to a royal headf&ck at the least, a painful death at worst so no thanks!

Anonymous said...

what to eat when dealing with a sudden death. When we actually had to watch post-mortems the procedure was to watch the body cut up then go to the hosptal canteen for a 'fryup' while the PM report was being typed. Certainly never put me off my food food