Tuesday, 24 June 2008

You have two cows.

This post has absolutely nothing to do with Policing (although the American Corporation model sounds like the Home Office and we definately live with a Socialist Government) but a mate sent it to me and made me laugh, so here you go -

Economic Models and Business Strategies explained with Cows.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes one of them and gives it to your work-shy neighbour.
They laugh in your face.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for the five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheets are provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, block the roads and set fire to cars, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You don't know where they are, you decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows.
None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the shit out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy...

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office for the day and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive

Readers Contributions -

NU-LABOUR GOVERNMENT
You have two cows, milked by the cow tsar.
One is black and one is white to ensure racial diversity, the black one fancies the white one thus ensuring we have suitable variation in sexual orientation.

THE ULSTER CORPORATION
You have two cows and pay protection for the milk

SCOTTISH CORPORATION
You have two cows (the hairy highland variety)
You dip one in chocolate, cover it in batter and deep fry it, just to see if it works

ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They produce lots of milk for the people.
The State beat you up and steal your cows then give them to someone who has no idea about looking after them.
The cows die and there is no milk
It is all the fault of the Britain and America

BRITISH POLICE SERVICE
You have 2 cows.
You give them a selection of tasks, including making sure that no-one is rude to any other cows for any reason, even if the cows haven't complained. You ensure that they have the correct ethnic proportion of cows for all the fields in the country, notwithstanding that there are almost no minorities in this field. They are so busy doing these tasks this that they have no time to be milked, so you buy some cheaper cows who don't produce any milk but look as though they should, and you hope that because you can see these cows, everyone will think that there is stacks of milk.
To fund this, you feed the real cows less so they couldn't produce any milk even if they weren't so busy doing non-milk producing activities.

Metcountymounty

18 comments:

For The People said...

That is too true! And so funny. Where did it come from?

Anonymous said...

Labour goverment corporation

You have two cows, milked by the cow tsar, one is black and one is white to ensure racial diversity, the black one fancies the white one thus ensuring we have suitable variation in sexual orientation.

Metcountymounty said...

no idea where it came from, just appeared in my hotmail one day!

Louise said...

Genius!!! Very funny!

What about Highland Cows? I'm not whitty enough to think of something.............. I did see one scratching its side with its horn and getting it caught in its hair once............ thought that was hilarious!

Ex-RUC said...

THE ULSTER CORPORATION

You have two cows and pay protection for the milk.

Metcountymounty said...

How about Scottish economics -
You have two cows,
you dip one in chocolate, cover it in batter and deep fry it, just to see if it works.

I haven't seen hairy cows for ages, must take a trip up soon, I need to restock on tablet and macaroon bars anyway!!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the laugh MCM, you have NO idea just how much I needed that, what wiv gloomy Gordon and all that crap! Hmmmmmmm, now then, is what Gordo produces cow pat or bull sh*t? Any clues all you super sleuths? [Have I spelt that right?]

'er indoors

blueknight said...

Zimbabwe
you have two cows. They produce lots of milk for the people.
The Govt beat you up and steal your cows then give them to someone who has no idea about looking after them.
The cows die and there is no milk.
- And it is all the fault of the Britain and America. To be continued...

Sevesteen said...

There was a version of this on a late 60's comedy album "Pat Paulson for President".

Metcountymounty said...

I think I'll put the Zimbabwean and the Ulster ones into the post!!!

Louise said...

I'm liking that!! I'm please with the fact I haven't had anything deep fried since I moved up here........... I had to bite my tongue when I saw someone deep frying a pizza! Pizza!!!

Let me know if your heading up this way or would like a red cross parcel of macaroon and tablet! It could be arranged!

ginger said...

Police Service

You have 2 cows. You give them a selection of tasks, including making sure that no-one is rude to any other cows for any reason, even if the cows haven't complained;, that they have the correct ethnic proportion of cows for all the fields in the country, notwithstanding that there are almost no minorities in this field. They are so busy doing this that they have no time to be milked, so you buy some cheaper cows who don't produce any milk but look as though they should, and you hope that because you can see these cows, everyone will think that there is stacks of milk. To fund this, you feed the real cows less so they couldn't produce any milk even if they weren't so busy doing non-milk producing activities.

Metcountymounty said...

Ginger - THAT WAS BRILLIANT!

TheBinarySurfer said...

Genius, that one's going to do the rounds around friends & work!

Louise said...

I second that!!!

Genius!

chavisty said...

Brilliant! Best laugh i have had for ages.

ginnersinner said...

MPs

You have two cows. You claim a third cow to feed you when you're back at home. You sell the milk.

You ask for a cow for your wife and your 20 year old son, even though he's at university and has no barn. You sell that milk too.

John Lewis sells barns for £3000 each, so you build three and rent them out. The rent goes to your son, as it's his cow.

Your wife gets paid £30,000 per year 'expenses' to look after the cows, even though there's only three and milking them takes an hour.

When asked, you initially tell the papers that two of the cows are sheep, and when you're presented with evidence that they're cows, you blame a junior minister.

Anonymous said...

city lad.
you have two bovines each has only one teat, you are ready to get milk and then you find your self in the next county, wandering why.
dungbeetle